Bath Salts and BBQs: Zombie Edition

Bath Salts and BBQs: Zombie Edition

When I was in high school, I was a nerd for Vampire culture. I spent countless hours in the library, looking up tales of Vlad the Impaler, old-Hollywood depictions of Count Dracula, and the myths these fascinating creatures were derived from. My friends thought I was crazy. But even today, with Edward Cullen and his droves of Twilight groupies, Vampires still capture our imaginations. If nothing else, they make weird little girls swoon.

Recently, a few sensational stories have surfaced in the American press regarding Zombies. The first was about that dude who ate another dude’s face while on a drug called “bath salts”. Another story was about a dude who was shot by Police while eating another dude’s heart. WTF? Well, there are no Zombies, people, there just ain’t no Zombies here on Earth….yet. What we have here is our Universe getting zanier and druggier. With age comes technology, and with age comes better drugs. Gone are the days of weed and acid, of BETA tapes and TVs without remotes. Folks are taking DMT, bath salts, and whatever else they can make in the tub. That shit is scary. That shit is scary, and even I know how to make stuff in my bath tub.

It’s fun to think about the prospect of Zombies existing. There are, however, a few reasons why we’d be eating another human being:

1) We’re trapped somewhere (cave, bunker, alternate reality) with other humans and we’re beginning to starve.

2) We’ve been transformed into Zombies (or Vampires or something that feasts on people)

3) We’re on some crazy, crazy drugs.

I was having a round with some buddies the other night, and a few of them have true culinary experience. We were coming up with a few ideas, you know, should some catastrophic event happen and we are forced to eat human flesh in order to survive.

Considering we have a heavy skillet, I think I might be able to make something tasty out of finely chopped human thigh and buttock meat. The face wouldn’t be my first or second or third choice, should I eat a person.

We concluded that adding it to Ramen could be an inexpensive treat. Marinating it in some spices and throwing it in a Tortilla, tossing it in some pasta, or chilli, or maybe even slow-cooking it with some root veggies sounds good, doesn’t it? If nothing else, I know this: should the end of the world occur, leaving the undead and animated corpses roaming the streets, being around me could prove to be a delicious apocalyptic event.

I’ll tell you another thing, too: you’d have a helluva time trying to eat me.

Safe travels out there.

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